How not to impose the girl. How not to be intrusive

1. The distance and the period of lapping characters
2. Why do we seek to dissolve in each other?
3. What to do so as not to be intrusive? 10 practical tips

Quote: "They say that we guys do not know how to achieve; there is no way, and you should not be humiliated" (unknown author).

I have heard a lot of stories about how young guys achieve the location of girls, for what they are doing and material costs. Previously, I myself thought that OGP should be sought. Now I’ll say for sure: there is no such honor in OHS.

The main thing in the analysis is to be alive, spontaneous, joking. The meaning of this guide puts the concept in an important place and special importance in the clinic. Management restores the continuity of being, allows you to restore the meaning of life, allows the patient to be himself in an integrated way and allows, as a result, to complete the analysis. This continuity is given by the passage of this new “reality test” in a collision with a new external object in the analysis session. Creative action, from which leadership in this sense is fruitful, gives the patient, in turn, the experience of recreating reality, from real experience with another.

Why, you ask?
Because if a man begins to seek the location of some OGP, then he loses his status and becomes a slave in the eyes of OZHP.

This raises a sense of the importance of this OGP and lowers the guy below the plinth. This guy is ready for anything, if only Mrs. paid attention to him. There can be no talk of any love. Often such OVP holders are kept "in reserve" in the friendly zones.
Very convenient: it will not go anywhere, and OGP can look for a better option; and if it does not find it, then there is always a spare one, which will accept it even with a child.

The first, making and acting afterwards, are the main characters of this process: the female and male elements, which are now in perfect conjugation, are no longer separated, since so far they have been the condition for the existence of this person. Thus, in the context of searching for an understanding of the origin of creativity, in a context in which play and creativity are on the scene, by a combination of pure female and male elements, Winnicott presents this case to us. Having traced your ideas, let's go back to that part of the journey from your theory to the management clinic.

Another option: if OZhP is running after a guy, then she needs something from him, either as a sponsor or as a man.

Also, if you want to get acquainted with OZHP and asked her a question: "do you want to meet?", And she answered "no", then you should not approach her anymore, you as a person are not interested. Respect yourself, do not disgrace to such a chick, do not be humiliated and do not try to achieve its location. Nothing good will come of it.

The natural condition of development, which ultimately leads a person to being in the world, meaningfully for himself and for others, depends on the environment, depends primarily on the mother. First, the mother should be able to provide the child with the experience of being herself in the process of meeting with the world. It is then that the opportunity arises to experience a meeting with the world as a personal creation, an experience that is possible only in the face of the mother’s full identification of the child’s needs. This is the first point: the subjective object, the illusion of omnipotence.

Many guys think that it’s easier to get a not very attractive RCA. Such a chick understands that she is not the best, and when a guy begins to get acquainted with such a person, she already understood that he is weak in the front. And he approached her, and not to that beauty; it means that everything is bad with his OZhP, he will not run away from me, it means you can use it to the fullest. And she does just that, but the boy will not understand why such a chick begins to build herself a queen. It's simple: the guy she raised a sense of self-importance.

This is a moment of pure femininity. In the second moment and to the best of her child’s development, the mother begins to feel frustrated. These experiences give the child the condition of gradually beginning to perceive the object as separate. The mother’s role here is to present the child with the object that provides this transition, a subjective object, still a part of itself, an objective object, separate and with its own existence. From this point on, the experience of the male element comes into play. At this point, the mother will present something to the child that will facilitate contact with the external reality, a separate reality, which will be exposed to the infant also to the extent of his ability to experience this experience.

Such OZhP need to immediately put in place and it stops producing. If such a chick wants to meet herself, it means that she liked the guy: you can try to have a relationship with her, but do not act like a baborab.

Summarize the above. It makes no sense to seek the location of OZhP, it harms you. And you risk becoming baborab.
When meeting you should not impose OZhP, you just need to go up and ask: "do you want to meet?"; if not, no. Do not believe fables, such as "if you do not succeed, will achieve another" - it came up with whores and consumed, if you are interested in her as a person, then she will come running to you.

The transitional object, something presented by the mother and created by the child, is part of this walk, is the form that the child gives to the creative illusion, “that allows a person to withstand the tremendous shock of losing omnipotence,” without fail.

The mass element and the experience of the transition period, as well as the experience of destruction of the subjective object are the conditions for a significant transition to full contact with reality, but only this can be decisively solved in the previous experience of Being, which is preferred by a fairly good supplier of the female element, should be the subject of very fine details. processing.

And finally: no matter how sad it may be, but in this society, not guys choose girls, but quite the opposite.

Every time we enter a new relationship, we make the same mistakes. Is it any wonder then everything happens according to the same scenario? One of the most common mistakes is a violation of the board “Keep Your Distance in Relationships”. How does this happen and what is fraught with?

Returning: thanks to the possibility of the mother being in her female element, the child can be himself, so life seems significant or, given this impossibility, the child will be able to break off and be meaningless. Being able to act in accordance with her male style, the male element is here associated with the idea of ​​doing, the mother will give the child the opportunity to gradually move to an objective meeting with external reality, in the use of her own male element, absent or imagining herself, when and in a possible way. child, pacifying the transition from the subjectively conceived to the objectively shared.

Oh, this omnipotent myth of the two halves of one whole! It gives rise in our minds to the idea of ​​harmony as a complete merger - in fact, the halves form one whole. So, everything should be common: views, hobbies, walks, friends, money, life goals ... All this, of course, is good, but is it attainable? At the initial, in the period of being in love, the distance between partners is a rarity, and, on the contrary, they strive to reduce it to zero. And then, after a few years, every centimeter of personal space is won, because we need it! But first things first.

In other words, your basic dilemma is insoluble. If there are no means for permission, it can be forgotten or accepted and supported, that is, allowed. Keep a sense of continuity of being, be yourself, that's what's important! This experience gives us contact, a meeting with an environment that can be and do in an integrated way. In this contact, the object being created, the external reality in its subjective existence for the child at this moment is created and revealed both in its existence and in its meaning, and through a fairly good action of the mother through the leadership.

The distance and the period of lapping characters

One of the reasons for the crisis of lapping characters (and divorces after) is the increase in distance. Remember how in the poem from the movie “The Irony of Fate”: “How painful, honey, how strange / Come into the earth, weaving together with branches - / How painful, honey, how strange / Divide under the saw!”. Indeed, we often hear complaints in following form : “He (she) is moving away from me!” This means that one of the partners is seeking to increase the distance. There is nothing bad in it - except in cases where gravity disappears altogether and each family member “enters its own orbit”. And if you are moving away from you not to go about your business and live your life, then you just have different ideas about the proper level of intimacy and intimacy in relationships. You, most likely, seem obtrusive, and it is necessary to settle a situation a little.

Therefore, we can think with Winnicott that this movement, which maintains the continuity of being, does not occur due to the saving of perceptions, notions, or memories. The continuity of meaningful existence passes through gesture through action through management, such as being present in the experience offered by the environment, which, starting with a subjective object, the illusion of creating an object, passes through a transitional object and reaches an objective perception of the world, a perception based on the ability to create and play, originated in the same potential space.

Why do we seek to dissolve in each other?

Where does it come from, this desire to become one? The further the relationship goes, the more secrets and secrets about each other we will learn by hanging them on our love and depriving it of lightness and carelessness. We open up to each other with joy, seeing love and acceptance: but, look, what (what) am I, will you love me? We need someone's love in order to put up with our own imperfections - it turns out that everything is not so bad if they love me ... In general, we need a rapprochement, and we seek it.

Such actions, thus pacified by the individual, condense in the same movement subjective reality and objective reality, dividing and interconnecting, supporting and transforming them. The self acquires a living and meaningful existence, being the protagonist of this complex reconciliation between internal and external reality and life, this difficult everyday reality takes on color and more useful and meaningful feelings for the person himself and for the world in which he lives.

This concept of management and clinic Winnicotti. Winnicott comes to some decisive formulations regarding the theory of human sexuality, formulating revolutionary concepts about the meaning of the existence of pure feminine and masculine aspects, in the origin of the constitution of the human psyche. Some of the crucial consequences of these findings will appear in the clinic.

Those who know firsthand, downright ill at the slightest increase in distance in a relationship. As Erich Fromm, a great expert on love, wrote: “Often selfless insanity on each other is not proof at all Great love , but only the measure of the preceding meeting. " So the increase in distance causes such people a proportional increase in the fear of loss. The circle closes.

Therefore, we can think that the moments of significant changes in the clinic pass through this method of management, which, as Winnicott emphasizes, is emotionally hard, requires no less than deep changes in us, and includes us as people who have to be there and do what Somehow, to really tune in to the one who demands from us, that is, to make mistakes, using all our knowledge very seriously and seriously, so that we can finally “take part” without interfering in the territory of another’s experience to give us the opportunity to be used, so that the other can be created as a person capable of fully living life.

In order not to let the partner go far, we hit on. It seems to us that relations can be “preserved” at the highest point, hiding together in love, like in a common cell. For a while, you can really live like this (by the way, in such couples, communication with relatives and friends is almost fading away. They and two are not bad at all). But one of the pair still wants to get out and take a breath of air. Read: increase the distance in a relationship.

In the field of analysis, the fundamental is not the transfer of past representations shifted to the analyst's figure, but for Winnicott, this is what is connected with real experience between two people, in which one gives the other where he can be and find objects that can be used, potential space free from the invasion of another where you can play and create.

This is the mother's ability to be from using her female element in relationships with her child and her abilities after that through her male element, what the child can become, do and allow herself to do, as Winnicott says. The analyst can, like the mother, cope with the environment, be and do so that the patient can and make his own becoming.

What to do so as not to be intrusive? 10 practical tips

As the sage poet J. H. Jebran wrote, “love one another, but do not turn love into chains.” How to achieve this?

In order not to make your love a beautiful cell, keep your distance in relationships! This will allow you to keep mutual interest and ease of communication. Think of it this way: love is a fire, and it is comfortable to be near it only at a certain, precisely adjusted distance.

With his feminine style, he identifies the need of the patient; owning his male element, he represents an object, in this case an interpretation, which can provide support for the transition to the existence of himself. Possessing his creativity, he uses this perception to play with the patient, taking part, not invading the patient's space, presenting something that can lead to an experience that returns the invasion core, which has frozen the patient in this position. This is not about redemption of any order, nor about the attribution of meaning: it’s more about bringing the past into the present, in the form of experience, this time with someone who can put himself in a certain non-invasive way, thus ensuring the continuity of the patient's stay.